💪🏻🦄 Body Maintenance for Lazy Bastards: A Real(ish) Workout Plan
Welcome to Real Talk Wellness: Sarcastic Unicorn Edition, where we take actual, professionally-approved exercises and disguise them in lazy, no-bulls**t packaging for the tired, the unmotivated, and the aggressively over-it.
These are real movements. They work. But we’re not pretending it’s gonna feel like magic. It’s movement for people who hate movement, but also hate chronic back pain slightly more.
Stretch. Shape. Survive. Barely. 🦄
1. The “Can’t Be Arsed” Cat-Cow Stretch
What it helps: Spine mobility, posture, lower back stiffness
Where to do it: On your floor, next to your emotional baggage
How:
Get on all fours (yes, like your dignity after a breakup).
Arch your back like you just found your ex's new partner on Instagram.
Then drop your belly low and lift your chin like nothing phases you.
Repeat 8–10 times.
Back pain = canceled.
🐈🙃🐄
2. The “No Thoughts, Just Hips” Butterfly Stretch
What it helps: Hips, lower back, inner thighs
When: Anytime you’re already sitting on the floor eating snacks
How:
Sit.
Slam the soles of your feet together like you’re doing something spiritual.
Let your knees drop out like your motivation did in 2020.
Breathe deep. Cry optional.
🧘♀️🦋🍿
3. The “Netflix Deadlift” (Glute Bridge)
What it helps: Glutes, core, lower back
Bonus: You can literally do it while watching trash TV.
How:
Lie on your back, knees bent, feet flat.
Lift your hips like you’re proud of something for once.
Hold. Lower. Repeat.
Your ass might lift your mood too.
🍑📺💪
4. The “I Can’t Even” Child’s Pose
What it helps: Stress, lower back, hips
Also functions as: Temporary emotional escape hatch
How:
Kneel, sit on your heels.
Fold forward like you’ve given up (because you have).
Stretch arms out or tuck under.
Stay until the world feels less loud.
🧘♂️🌧️🤷♀️
5. The “Scrolling Stretch” (Seated Spinal Twist)
What it helps: Spine, digestion, that weird crick in your back
Ideal time: While checking memes or existentially doom-scrolling
How:
Sit with legs out.
Bend right knee, cross it over left leg.
Twist right, plant right hand behind you.
Left elbow to outside of right knee.
Switch sides. Breathe. Don’t fart.
📱🌀🪑
6. The “Dignity Optional” Wall Sit
What it helps: Legs, core, grit
Perfect for: Punishing yourself between pizza slices
How:
Back against wall, knees bent like you’re pretending to care
Hold for 20-45 seconds or until your thighs scream
Try not to cry
You’ll feel it.
🧱🦵🔥
7. The “Almost Got Up” Leg Raises
What it helps: Lower abs, hip flexors
Ideal for: Pretending you’re about to be productive
How:
Lie on your back, legs straight
Lift them up (slowly) without arching your back
Lower them (even slower)
Repeat until your core questions everything
📉😩🍩
8. The “Post-Nap Plank”
What it helps: Core strength, stability, your entire tragic posture
Do it: Before a nap, after a nap, during your breakdown
How:
Elbows down, body straight, engage core
Hold for 15–30 sec
If shaking = you’re doing it right
Bonus: No movement = less effort
🪵🫠🧠
🦄 Unicorn’s Brutal Closing Thoughts
Let’s get one thing glittery-clear:
You don’t need to be a yoga fairy, a CrossFit monster, or some kale-chugging cult member to take care of your damn body.
Start small. Stay sarcastic.
Do a few stretches a day. Build from there. Laugh when it hurts.
But do it anyway.
Because rotting in bed with back pain is way less glamorous than 10 minutes of movement.
Get stronger so you can keep being tired — but with better posture.